Mom Guilt: How to Get a Break
As a mother, mom guilt can be present throughout all the stages of your relationship with your children. It can have varying consequences to your relationship with your children, your relationship with yourself, and your relationship with others. It can be a heavy weight that can compound your responses to certain situations. It can paralyze you from making decisions for fear of their outcome on your children. Then sometimes, it can almost seem to disappear and be non-existent. During those times, you can move through your daily routine without hesitation and accomplish many goals because you are not second guessing yourself. As your children progress through different stages of growth, the pervasiveness of mom guilt can wax and wane.
Mom Guilt Defined
Mom guilt can be described as a
“pervasive feeling of not doing enough as a parent, not doing things right, or making decisions that may ‘mess up’ your kids in the long run.”
https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/mom-guilt#definition
Mom guilt does not go away. It just has another face. It changes its outfit. BUT it remains. Mom guilt continues with you throughout your motherhood journey no matter which stage you and your children are in. I like to control my mom guilt by arming myself with numerous coping mechanisms so I am ready when it returns. I attempt to make it stay for a shorter amount of time. I have realized that the guilt I feel can be controlled by what I decide to do when I recognize it.
Mom guilt can be defined in numerous ways.
- Some define it as guilt that becomes apparent when the mother has to work and take time away from her children.
- Some define it as guilt that comes when a mother does something besides work that doesn’t involve her children.
- Some define it as guilt that manifests when a mother compares what she is doing to another mother and looks down on her own decisions thinking that they do not measure up.
- Some define it as guilt that a mother feels when she is parenting and thinking that whatever decision she makes is going to be detrimental for her children.
The common thread with all these definitions is that it is guilt owned by the mother.
Mom Guilt during breaks
No matter if your children attend public school, go to a private institution, are homeschooled, attend college somewhere, all schools and life come with built in breaks. We all have to take a break sometime. Everyone needs a break after working hard on tasks for a period of time. It is difficult to continue to achieve goals all the time. Children are not any different. They need time off. They need to be able to relax. We all need time to breathe and do activities that we enjoy.
Enters: Mom Guilt
This is where mom guilt enters. Mom guilt asks do you need to have those children read books on their break. Mom guilt asks do you have your children perform some age appropriate math problems during their break? What about looking ahead in some text books to get prepared? How about studying an upcoming test?
I go back and forth with my decision about this process based on conversations I have with my husband or with other parents. I am very grateful for breaks because it also allows me to take a break as well. I have three children of varying school levels. All require input from me with assignments, studying, and activities. When there is a break, it allows me to be able to take a break also. I believe a lot of what school attempts to teach is the concept of solving challenging problems with the least amount of difficulty to you in the shortest amount of time; sometimes by yourself, sometimes in a group. I have to help my children learn how to do this effectively for themselves. They do not have all of the steps figured out yet. That is demanding on me. Break please!
Another source of guilt
Mom guilt also surfaces for me when I think I am not providing them with enough experiences during their breaks. Did we make enough memories? Were there enough positive experiences that they will want to continue to spend time at home when they grow up? At break, I want a break. Planning things to do and creating family experiences takes time and effort. Sometimes I do not want to do that. AT ALL. This is when I remind myself that any time spent with my crew is worth it. One of my personal goals as a mother to instill in my children a sense of gratitude for what they experience. We can not do everything all the time, but we are able to experience some things that others can not. We should be grateful for that.
My son told me the other day that he is excited when Christmas comes so he can read the story about the birth of Jesus as a family around the Christmas tree. That is something we have done every year and as the children got older they take turns reading it out loud to everyone. Now, we could read this at different times during the year. In my mind, it seems so small. But that is a core memory for him and it is free! Sometimes we think as parents we have to spend a lot or be better than what we think others are doing. We just have to be ourselves, grow with our children, and enjoy their company.
What I do for breaks
My choice for breaks are to allow my children to break. I want them to understand work-life balance as early as possible. I also want them to understand that work and studying sometimes has to be performed at less opportune times than we would like. On longer breaks, like winter break during Christmas, I do have some structured school tasks for them to perform in order to make the transition back to school at the new year less painful.
For summer breaks, I do like to give significant amount of relaxing time after they have completed the whole school year. Then I will gradually add back in more structure as we get closer to the next school year.
This is what I have found that works the best for my family. It may differ for you. You have to determine what is the optimal fit for you.
What are your thoughts on working during a scheduled school break?
Previous Mom Guilt Posts
National Alliance on Mental Health
Sometimes you may need additional support beyond what you or those around you can provide. I am not a doctor of mental health, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, or a counselor. I am a wife, mother of 3 children, and an entrepreneur who has numerous life experiences that I utilize to create blog posts, as well as personal research that I perform.
- If you or someone you know is struggling with their mental health, seek help. If it is an emergency, call 911.
- If you are looking for assistance that is non-emergent, reach out to the National Alliance on Mental Illness https://www.nami.org/help.
- The NAMI HelpLine can be reached Monday through Friday, 10 a.m.–10 p.m., ET. 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or info@nami.org
- You can also text NAMI at Text NAMI to 741-741.Connect with a trained crisis counselor to receive free, 24/7 crisis support via text message.
Break from Mom Guilt
The easiest fix for mom guilt during school breaks is to enjoy the moment. You have to remain present in what ever activities you have going on, who ever you are with, what plans are upcoming. There is always so much to do during a break that sometimes it seems you need a break from the break, but enjoying the moment can allow you to capture the goodness of what is happening. In the moment.
Having a plan sometimes assists in living in the moment. A plan allows everyone to have expectations of what is going to happen and when. This limits work throughout the day of trying to ‘figure out’ what everyone is going to do. A plan also allows you to schedule in more structured activities that address some learning activities.
Taking time for yourself during the break will allow you to refresh, recharge, and get ready for what is next. Being a mother is difficult. It is rewarding, but it is difficult. Taking time for yourself and with yourself allows for growth that can not occur with other people around. Bringing you best self to your family makes for a better time together.
- Be present
- Have a plan
- Take time for yourself
I am so glad you decided to read this post. Mom guilt remains a paralyzer of many great moms. Please share it with others. Come along on this flourishing journey with me and Find Your Flourish !
Be you, be focused, be well! |Shanna|