How to Conquer Mom Guilt

Mom guilt is real. You can conquer mom guilt. Mom guilt is a type of guilt like you have not experienced before. It takes guilt to a whole other level. Because it involves your children. It involves your family. And at times, it invovles overwhelming feelings of inadequacy.

No one wants to feel inadequate. You want to be able to take care of your children and make decisions that you know are best. Mom guilt attacks you on both of these premises.

Mom guilt definition

Mom guilt can be defined in numerous ways.

• Some define it as guilt that becomes apparent when the mother has to work and take time away from her children.
• Some define it as guilt that comes when a mother does something besides work that doesn’t involve her children.
• Some define it as guilt that manifests when a mother compares what she is doing to another mother and looks down on her own decisions thinking that they do not measure up.
• Some define it as guilt that a mother feels when she is parenting and thinking that whatever decision she makes is going to be detrimental for her children.

The common thread with all these definitions is that it is guilt owned by the mother.

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Do you have a personal example of mom guilt? That time when you feel like it would be easier to give your child what they want or allow them to get away with something versus making them feel bad; then you feel bad for not reinforcing the boundaries you usually have in place. Or when you have to chose between doing something for work versus being able to stay home with your child; then you feel bad because you don’t want your child to think that work means more to you than they do.

The question becomes is mom guilt real? Yes, it is REAL. 

BUT is it necessary? NO.

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Things to do when you experience mom guilt

Mom guilt can overtake your mentality to the point where it paralyzes you from living your day to day activities. Now, you can not disregard your children but some decisions have to be made. You have to work. You have to go to do things to allow your home to function. There is no reason to feel guilty because of it. However this feeling can creep in at times and is real. 

Can you identify a time when you felt mom guilt?

Are you able to cancel this feeling and release it?

What did you do to get rid of this feeling?

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I can related directly to mom guilt. Almost on a recurring schedule. Because I want to be able to create happiness for my children and I want to be able to be successful in other areas of my life. Sometimes I feel like the two can not co-exist. One has to be discounted to have the other one THRIVE!

That is not true! You can FLOURISH in all areas!

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How to use mom guilt to your advantage

Let’s take mom guilt and turn in on its head. Let’s use it to out advantage. Take control! You can use mom guilt for motivation. Decide to make the best decisions for yourself and your family. Do the research you need to, list pros and cons, and decide. You know what is best for you and your family. You are the expert there. Yes, you experience new situations everyday, but you still know your family better than anyone else does. Don’t second guess your thoughts! Learn from your decisions, but also learn to have no regrets.

When mom guilt becomes detrimental

There is a time when mom guilt can create serious issues and then it needs to be addressed by a professional. This is when you are unable to shake that feeling, it permeates your day, and it immobilizes you from everyday activities. Mom guilt can take on a form of depression if it is not dealt with and this needs immediate attention. Try to take control before it gets to this point. Sometimes, thought, there is no stopping its ability to take over. That doesn’t make you any less of a person or a mother, but it does mean that you need to seek some assistance. The number below is for national resources if you or someone you know, needs assistance in dealing with depression symptoms.

So many moms don’t know where to turn when it seems like they can not escape the feeling of being inadequate. Reach out to your friends and family members to check on their mental state. Make note of any changes in them or yourself and act quickly. Based information from the Mayo Clinic, over 3 million women suffer from postpartum depression every year in the United States. Chances are, if you have not had to deal with it yourself, you have been in direct contact with another women who has.

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Check out link below for further information on postpartum depression and ways to understand it.

https://www.webmd.com/depression/postpartum-depression/understanding-postpartum-depression-basics

Depression resources can be located at this link as well. They have resources here that relate directly to women.

https://www.cdc.gov/reproductivehealth/depression/resources.htm

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Positive thinking

Creating a positive mindset is the most important thing to do in order to shake off mom guilt. Yes, it will still come. Maybe even at the same frequency. BUT the amount of time you focus on it becomes shorter. You regain your mental capacity to focus on the present. You create moments with your husband and children that are rewarding for all of you.

What can you do to help with positive thinking?

• Journal using prompts or reflecting on things you are thankful for
• Read a book you enjoy
• Quiet time
• State affirmations everyday to begin with with a positive outlook; repeat throughout the day as needed

Self Care

You have to have the time when you are able to distance yourself from your family and do something for you. It would be optimal if you were able to do this at least once a month. Plan out your self care time and let it be that: YOUR SELF CARE TIME. It is an appointment with yourself for yourself. Do not allow something to cause it to have to be rescheduled or canceled. 

Keeping self care on a regular schedule will allow you to rejuvenate yourself and then be able to perform optimally when you are interacting with your family members. Everyone needs that self check-in and reflection time. If you don’t make time for it, you are going to see the effect of this in your interactions. Some moms may say that they have not had time to themselves since their child was born- this is an extreme disservice to their family. We all have the goal of supporting our family and growing our children into productive adults. We are not able to do this to our fullest capacity if we don’t have that time to reflect on our own thoughts.

So does self care count if it is when the children are napping or at night after bed time???

In those early parenting stages when you have a baby or toddler, yes it can. BUT you need to progress towards performing self care when your children and husband are aware of what you are doing. You are having time to yourself to be the best mom and wife you can be. AND they can make it without you around.

They have to know how to do it without you. Because you can always be there, but what about that one time, you don’t want to be there. If you have not equipped them before, it will be almost impossible to do it on the spur of the moment.

Self care on a budget

Self care ideas (Find a post here where I provided some high value self care items that do not take a lot of time but have a huge return for you)

Sometimes we think that self care has to be expensive. Like you have to go to the spa. You have to go and get a manicure and pedicure. Now, these things are nice and really do help with rejuvenation, but these things are not always in my budget.

What do I do then?

One of my favorite things to do for self care currently are to apply a face mask at home and read a library book. Now you can do whatever you enjoy, by yourself. Just remember it doesn’t have to be expensive. It can be low budget but BENEFICIAL. I find some quality face masks at the Dollar Tree and stock up so I can use one each week. Reading is another escape I use for self care, but books can be pricey. I investigate my next reads and request them from the library= free!

Mom guilt can stop us from functioning. Mom guilt can prevent us from enjoying the stage of life we are in with our family. Don’t let that happen to you! Take control of your mindset, create a positive thought process and outlook, give yourself some time for self care, and get to your next level. Give yourself that permission to Find Your Flourish!

Another self care idea- Start a journaling journey! Check out a video here from me!

Remember to be you, be focused, and be well!

|Shanna|

Please subscribe and share! We all need support so we can succeed in this journey of life!

Check out this abstract of an article that addresses how mom guilt is different the dad guilt. You have not been imagining that. I found this to be quite interesting. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11199-016-0579-0

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