Mom Guilt: It’s Back!
Installment #3
Mom guilt can continue to resurface at various times throughout your motherhood journey. Have you had the guilty feeling recently? Mom guilt can come in at different times. You have to stand strong against it because it can cost you precious moments of joy. I have felt mom guilt several times during the past few months, but I allow myself some grace as each day is new.
Past mom guilt posts
The first mom guilt post looked at defining mom guilt and how to conquer it. That post address the definition of mom guilt, what to do when you experience mom guilt, how to use mom guilt to your advantage, and how to identify it when it becomes detrimental.
Mom guilt is real. You can conquer mom guilt. Mom guilt is a type of guilt like you have not experienced before. It takes guilt to a whole other level. Because it involves your children. It involves your family. And at times, it invovles overwhelming feelings of inadequacy.
No one wants to feel inadequate. You want to be able to take care of your children and make decisions that you know are best. Mom guilt attacks you on both of these premises.
The second mom guilt post focused on the feelings created from mom guilt, ways to improve your image of yourself as a mom, and environmental changes that can help reduce the feelings of mom guilt.
Mom guilt is one of those feelings that you may overcome at one point in your life and then it can come back again. That is okay. We all have days where we feel better than others. On those down days, mom guilt may creep back in. Just know that there are ways that you can take control of your thoughts using some activities each day to set the course of what you are going to focus on instead of feeling guilty.
Situations that trigger my mom guilt
Emergencies
When my children get injured or are feeling sick, mom guilt rises quickly. I think about what I could have done to stop this from occurring? Why isn’t it me instead? Can they understand I did my best to protect them but accidents still happen?
During the past summer, we had an emergency in my household. My toddler broke her arm. In half. She is my third child and the two older children have not broken any bones. This was new for all of us and we all were scared. At the same time.
I was in the laundry room. A favorite hang out spot for all moms. I was doing the folding, sorting, moving laundry from the washing machine to the dryer.
My oldest daughter was in her room. My son was in the bathroom. My husband was at work. My toddler was in her brother’s room, playing, and bringing me things to see. This is a normal activity for her as she will play with her brother and hang out. Then check in with me.
When her brother left his room for the bathroom, she continued to play.
I heard her say “mommy, I hurt my arm” in a very shaky voice. But not crying.
“Okay. Let me see.” I thought I would be looking at her arm and giving it a kiss; however she was lifting her arm up to me using her other hand to hold it.
I am a pediatric physical therapist by training, so I knew immediately what I was looking at but I was still in disbelief. Her forearm was going in one direction and the upper part of her forearm was going in another direction.
I feel on my knees and screamed loudly. Probably not the best reaction but its what I went with. She started crying and the other kids came running. I grabbed her arm and pushed it back into alignment. Hoping for the best. I started praying.
I told my son to grab bags of ice and his dad’s arm wrap that he uses to block the sun so I could pack her arm with ice and keep the bones aligned. I had my son call my husband on the phone and at work and out me on speaker phone. I just calming told him I was taking our toddler to the hospital. What happened was all he could ask with all the chaos going on. I just told him it appeared that she had injured her arm.
My oldest daughter was just crying and crying because her sister was hurt. I had to look at her in the eyes and tell her slowly what she needed to do. I had to decide what was best ride in the car to the ER or call and ambulance. Was I able to drive? Could I get there safely? How much pain was my toddler in?
My toddler’s story was that she was climbing with a foam finger on her hand and she slipped. I believe that when she fell her arm go caught in an odd manner and it broke straight across. We will never truly know since she was alone.
My toddler had to wear a cast for approximately 6 weeks. During the summer. In the south.
But she made it through and her arm is stronger than ever. When she was in the cast, she did not allow it to stop her. I was hesitant to let her do a lot of things, but the orthopedic doctor kept assuring me that she was fine and would limit herself if needed. Well, she is one that know no limits, so she kept going. She does talk about how she is not going to break her arm again. Or if she is playing she will pretend that someone has broken a bone since she has now had that experience.
For emergencies, they are unexpected events. All you can do is plan for what might happen. And have a plan that you have discussed and prepped your family with. You do not know how you will respond until you are in the situation.
Just know your children will be looking to you for guidance.
Emergencies to prepare for
- Accidents/injuries in home
- Accidents/injuries in public
- Injuries to parent
- Kitchen fire
- House fire
- Electrical fire
- Water leak
- Tornado/storm
- Allergic reactions
- Insect/animal bites
Learning activities
Another area that always awakens my mom guilt is learning activities. I also experience school related anxiety. It stems from all the unknowns. I end up with guilt and anxiety when we transition from summer to fall.
Am I doing enough to support their learning? Is it too much? How can I get them to enjoy learning and investigating new subjects? Are they in the right school? Did I make the correct decision to home school? Have we achieved a good balance between learning and fun? And on and on and on.
As my children have gotten older, I have realized that I really do like being around them and doing family activities. Learning activities are no different. I enjoy this time with them.
I also know that I have to make sure that I balance learning with the fun. This fun needs to have boundaries. Much to their dismay, my children actually do better when there are boundaries in place. They don’t realize this now. But one day they will. I sometimes tire of the boundaries and being the enforcer. Once I put the boundaries back in place, I ask myself why did I loosen the restrictions. I would love to hear your thoughts on boundaries in the comments of this post.
Self evaluation for mom guilt
What intensifies your mom guilt?
How do you lessen its effects on you?
When did you most recently feel overcome by mom guilt?
In spite of mom guilt returning time and again, being a mom is my greatest assignment. I am honored that I am shaping three young lives. I am grateful I can be with them throughout the various changes that occur. I hope to support them as much as I can while developing their independence.
I appreciate you taking your time to read this blog. Remember to be you, be focused, be well. Find Your Flourish! |Shanna|
Check out other posts on the blog:
- How to Use Affirmations to Support Your Children
- How to Customize Your Morning Routine so It Works
- How to Discover Your Passion and Develop Your Midlife Business
- Mom [Boss]
- How to Identify and Set Intentions for Your Morning Routine
Resources on mom guilt
Overcoming Mom Guilt https://www.drchristinahibbert.com/overcoming-mom-guilt/
How to Let Go of Working-Mom Guilt https://hbr.org/2020/09/how-to-let-go-of-working-mom-guilt
Mom Guilt: Why It Plagues Us and How to Fight It https://www.funlovingfamilies.com/mom-guilt/
National Alliance on Mental Health
Sometimes you may need additional support beyond what you or those around you can provide.
- If you or someone you know is struggling with their mental health, seek help. If it is an emergency, call 911.
- If you are looking for assistance that is non-emergent, reach out to the National Alliance on Mental Illness https://www.nami.org/help.
- The NAMI HelpLine can be reached Monday through Friday, 10 a.m.–8 p.m., ET. 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or info@nami.org
- You can also text NAMI at Text NAMI to 741-741.Connect with a trained crisis counselor to receive free, 24/7 crisis support via text message.
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Thank you for your honesty. I believe that mom guilt is so real. I feel like a lot of people don’t talk enough about it. I hope more moms real this and know that they are not alone.
Thank you for reading this post. I am hoping that my installments discussing mom guilt does bring more light to it as well as help support moms who are challenged by it. It is not easy being a mom especially when we are so hard on ourselves or second guess our decisions. |Shanna|
Nice post 🙂
Reut- Thank you for taking the time to read this post. I hope that you get some tips from the post that will help you identify mom guilt and ways you can work through it or help someone else work through it. |Shanna|
Thank you for sharing that story. I am not a mother but I can understand you want to do what is best at all times. When I was 12 I found my horse dead on the far end of the pasture I ran back to the house and told my parents. My father started crying and I started comforting him. At the time it seemed awkward and I admit I was surprised but I knew what was happening, now that I am older I look back and respect that he was feeling my pain and was so sad about what happened. All I see when you screamed was just the sheer amount of love and worry and that is a normal reaction and you did so well managing all the emotions and what was going on.
Cristina- Yes! That is exactly it. We as parents sometimes cry and morn with and for our children even if they don’t understand what is going on. Because we have more knowledge about a situation, we may see how the event may affect you in the future. IT is so hard as a parent wanting to protect your children from all harm and the negatives in the world while still allowing them to develop independence. What a balance it takes. Thank you for reading this post! |Shanna|
I think you handled the broken arm very well – I would be an absolute wreck. It’s funny how we can see how well other moms are handling the job but doubt ourselves. You even state how you felt yet I see you as doing an amazing job! Mom guilt is very hard and I love the honesty in your post. This hit very close to home for me. Great topic to think about and discuss!
Christina- Thank you for taking the time to read this post and comment. I appreciate your kind words. Yes, I still feel guilty about the whole situation with the broken arm. Like what if I had….fill in the blank. It is so hard not to second guess yourself when it comes to dealing with your children. I know you do well in daily situations too because that is what we do as mothers. |Shanna|
Oh good old mom guilt. I don’t know a single mom who is a good mom that doesn’t struggle with this. I think if you’re a good mom who is constantly trying to do her best, it comes with the territory. It’s important to give yourself a break and cut yourself some slack. Remember that you are not perfect and even when you mess up, your kids love you no matter what because they see how hard you work and how much effort you put into being a great mom
Alicia- I totally agree with you. All moms have to deal with mom guilt probably more than they would care to share. I do believe that one key is releasing it quickly without dwelling on it. Grace for ourselves is key! Thank you for sharing your thoughts on mom guilt and I appreciate you reading this post! |Shanna|
i love the honesty in this post. i think mom guilt is something that needs to be talked about more often. society / social media seems to nick pick mothers for all kinds of things. i’m not yet one but hope to be in the next year or so and the thought of being picked on for how we raise and take care of our children is something i’m not looking forward to.
Thank you for reading and commenting! I definitely agree with you about the need for increasing the discussion on mom guilt. It is a topic I revisit here on the blog often as I know that moms deal with it ALOT. Society and social media does create some of these guilty feelings and we sometimes create these feelings ourselves. Moms mental health matters as we have to give out so much to those around us. I hope your journey into motherhood is how you would dream it to be when you do decide to become a mother.
This is such an interesting post on Mom guilt. Thanks for sharing.
Natalie- Thank you for reading and commenting on this post about mom guilt. I hope you found something that you could relate to that let you know that we moms are not alone in our quest to get through the challenging times to reach the joyous times. |Shanna|
I used to experience school related anxiety for my youngest daughter. She has her own way of learning, and it was hard for her in school. It was tough seeing her struggle, and it made me feel like a bad mom; especially since I was a teacher
Anitra-Having school related anxiety creates so much for us as mother’s including mom guilt. It is a vicious cycle. I can only imagine how you felt also being a teacher as well. We have to give ourselves some grace and realize that sometimes we need additional support for our children. I have had to let myself know that at different times. It is hard to ask for help but sometimes it is needed. Thank you for reading and commenting. |Shanna|
I thought the mum guilt would get easier as the kids got older. Nope, in fact I think it’s tougher x
Kim- Yes! I am not sure if it gets tougher or the kids do. Lol. I know we can survive it though. Remember to give yourself some grace and allow yourself to reflect on the more positive points in parenting- hopefully, they outweigh the heavy times. Thank you for reading! |Shanna|